Around this time last year, I was feeling super disconnected. I had gone through a long period of self-discovery, which had enlightened me on the insignificance of many of the things by which I’d previously defined myself. I’d wiped my slate clean of old burdens and the “shoulds” of my past. I’d exposed plenty of the skeletons in my closet and started fresh. Yet, upon the new road I’d began to walk, I’d begun to feel so bare and lost. I felt a loss of self and was confused on what it was I was doing on this planet, if it wasn’t for all of the things I’d then realized I no longer cared about.
With this mini crisis on my hands, I turned to one of the lovely ladies I had the opportunity to live with for a bit and she offered me this piece of advice. She told me when she had been in a similar situation, she’d been asked to make a list of all of the things she knew were her. “At first”, she said, “all I knew was that I liked eating with spoons and I liked trampolines.”
So, I set off to write my own list and build from that, and somewhere along the line came my shiny reflections, an account where I could build to the things I knew were me, that made up my life in a sparkly, shiny manner. I created new.
Today, I found myself in a similar space to that of the one I was in a year ago. It looks much different, though. I’ve freed myself from some of the demons that haunted me then, and have found many things I love, but I still am tied in some ways to feeling lost. I juggle a lot, but sometimes it feels as though all of those things are bound to fall when my hands get tired of throwing them up in the air, and then I question what else will be left. So, today, I’ve decided to make a new list and I encourage anyone who reads to take time to make a list for themselves. No matter where it is you are in life, whether your sense of security is firm or not, I think it’s important to take time to remind yourself of who you are, what you stand for, and, most importantly, what you like; to remember what fuels you and what you want to fuel, to follow the shiny things. Who knows, we might only have this one go around…
A List of All Things Alexandra:
I have an absurd obsession with Hilary Duff, and somehow come across her other fans too frequently.
Swimming in warm water makes me feel free.
Long finger/toe nails freak me out.
I want to be a mermaid and that’s half the reason I keep my hair long (the other half is because it becomes an afro otherwise).
I like to use mugs as bowls.
I think traveling is important and magical.
Fall is my favorite season in theory, but summer is my favorite season in reality.
I think everyone needs yoga.
Grey’s Anatomy and The Sound of Music will forever get me.
I think my soul has blue hair and perhaps a small face tattoo.
I like to doodle and it took me a long time to not draw on my hands.
I enjoy accents.
Walking outside is important and I don’t understand winter for that reason.
Hugs are good and so are dresses.
I think socks are confining and I like the smell of grass when it’s hot outside.
I can’t quit decaf coffee.
If I couldn’t write, I don’t think I could live with myself successfully.
And that’s all for now, folks.