Familiarity. It is so delightful to be known. In the rapids of new, it is the strands of old which have held together my sanity and formulated excitement out of fear.
Though the influx of stimuli in the real world holds so much potential, it also contains chaos for a person like myself who has been re-sensitized a bit to, well, pretty much everything. I have sought out the anchors in the midst of this in order to stay grounded, and, as most does, the peak of the storm has passed and my thoughts and hyper-awareness have simmered, as did much of the busy-ness that is the first week of freshmen year.
I found that the anchors which proved most affective were that of the past. So frequently, I have been haunted by the past. Nightmares, fear, anger, resentment, resistance all spiked fiercely against memories that held negative energy. However, the very parts of us that aid in destruction are some of the most powerful, and, thus, when we use these to our benefit, they are just as strong. For the first time, I feel like I have a past that can fight for me, rather than against. It may be that much of that is my perspective and that there were fragments of my history that could have been massively powerful in my recovery previously, yet I was not able to see them. Whatever it is, I know this to be true: Today, I have a lot of good olds.
In first arriving to New York, it was reuniting with two people who have inspired and helped me tremendously over the past year that kept me focused on how far I had come, instead of backing away in fear of what was to come. The same was true for my arrival to Boston. Over the past few days, I have been overwhelmed with the level of support I have continued to have in my latest transition. On Sunday, I was able to reconnect with a tie from the west coast (see below) and on Monday, I was again surprised by a visit from a NY friend. In both scenarios, I found myself breathing freely. Meeting and exploring relationships with so many new people is thrilling, but there is something incredibly calming about being known and the conversations and connections that arise through the already-established.
I discovered this same familiarity in a slightly different setting, as well. On Tuesday, I made my way to the Plex here to try out a vinyasa class. Lying on my mat in savasana, I found myself pondering how peculiar it was that I was across the country, surrounded by strangers. Everything about the class was new, yet it was entirely old. I was the same. It was as if I’d woken from a dream taking place in another setting to realize I was really just in bed…except less jarring. Nothing had changed and there was a layer of peace to that; it felt stable.
In so many other moments, I have recognized that shift in my body that settles when confronted with things of the positive past. Skyping with my dietitian from LA has been one of the most grounding things, thus far. Texts, emails, calls to my supports, wherever they may be, have reminded me that I am still myself: same intentions, same beliefs, same sets of truths. Even hanging pictures of the moments and people who inspire me in my dorm has brought the old with me, making space to bring the parts of my past that I’d like to remember into the present I have the opportunity to create and the future I hope to discover. After all, I’m starting to create another set of memories, and I’d like these to add to the list of ones I want to remember.