I can’t believe it’s August 30th.
Over the past month, so much has happened, it’s hard to know where to begin. When I think back to my last post, I was in such a fragile state, it was truly a tipping point. In the actions that were to follow, I would determine to which side I would fall. Thankfully, I fell forward.
When I discharged from residential, I wasn’t sure of anything except for how badly I wanted to move on and how hard I would try. I was not aware of my own strengths or how things would unravel. Over the past month, I have learned my strength in completely new ways. In the past month, I overcame some of the most challenging moments and, each time, I grew. I’ve always been opposed to the saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” but the sentiment that some of the most difficult obstacles can be some of the greatest growing points has proven true for me as of late.
It is within this past month that I really believe I can say I’ve let go. I’ve let go of so much of the rigidity that has been the place where my disorder has lived, even at times when my behaviors have been at bay. I have let myself throw up my hands and give in to the moments that felt like they would destroy me and have learned that the resistance was where those moments were gaining power- that all that needed to be done to move forward was to accept and to experience. I have learned that no feeling will kill me, it is my reaction that will. I have seen that I can stay safe if I protect myself through my own love and an unwillingness to betray myself or my values.
I have done this by going through my step-down process with a determined attitude to do whatever it took to live freely and, in doing so, an ability to take the lead of professionals and comply with rules or take advice with which I might otherwise disagree. I have given myself the benefit of the doubt, I have given myself chances to prove I can be better, I have surrounded myself with love, compassion, and hope, and I have taken each moment as it comes. I have made mistakes, and I have taken the next best action. I have pushed through the hard, and looked out for and sought out the good. I have become a puppy’s godmother, gotten a tattoo, and visited home. I have been honest, open, and willing, and that’s all it’s taken.
Sometimes things are really, really hard, until they’re not.
This past month, I discharged from day treatment, visited California, and moved back to college. Being back on campus, I am now at home base. Here, I realize all that has transpired since I last resided at BC. It’s heart-breaking in all ways. It’s devastating in some- to see how paralyzed I once was and how quickly that occurred- and it’s also overwhelmingly joyful- to realize how much one can evolve and find peace once again.
By no means am I done. I am working. But, it is because of all of the work that I have already done that I am able to do this work. I can cry and laugh and sit and connect. I can see where I need to improve and all of the areas in which I have already surpassed my greatest expectations. I am able to step back and start conversations about thoughts I left a long time ago, and I have room to develop new thoughts that spark new conversations. Where I left off, I begin again, with greater tools and a new perspective and awareness.
I am proud of myself- for this past month, and the ability to be writing this post from my dorm room, where I can say that I am safe, and am learning to be less afraid.