Life keeps happening and it happens fast.
I am so grateful for this past year. For the good and the bad. For all that I have learned and for those who have helped me learn it.
I am grateful for the mistakes I have made and the obstacles I have overcome. I am grateful for 365 days of freedom to make mistakes. I’m grateful for the courses I’ve taken and the jobs I’ve had. I’m grateful for the holidays I’ve shared and the people I’ve met. I’m grateful for the things that have stayed the same and for those that have changed.
I never could have predicted I would wind up where I am, but I have learned that almost nothing is predictable, and almost everything winds up okay.
Tomorrow (or I guess today, considering the time), I fly to Barcelona with my dad to explore a new city and enjoy the life I’ve worked hard to experience. From there, I’ll head to Venice where I will be studying abroad for a bit this summer. I have a job I love and I love what I study. I am excited by most of life and am accepting of the parts that don’t thrill me. I feel whole; and it’s amazing about 75% of the time.
I’ve waited a long time to feel this way. I’ve worked hard to feel this way. And, I’ve waited an even longer time to write that I feel this way. I didn’t want to jump the gun. I didn’t want to give false hope, to myself or to others.
I don’t know exactly how or why my life is the way it is. I know everyone’s life is different and I can only talk from my own experience. But, what I feel today and what I feel most days is that 25% is worth it. Feeling apathetic, displeased, upset, on-the-fence, or altogether not-about-it 25% of the time is worth the 75% of the time where things are pretty good. That 75% includes awesome feelings, but it also includes moments that don’t feel awesome, but don’t feel bad. It includes moments that go unaccounted, and moments where I don’t notice what I’m feeling. Because that happens. Because I have other things. Because I’m okay.
What I also can say is that it definitely didn’t start out as a 3:1 ratio. It was probably closer to a 1:99, where I felt okay about 1% of the time, and not okay about 99% of the time. And as things got better, it wasn’t always stable. Sometime’s I’d get to a 50/50 sort of place, and then feel closer to a 1/50 place the next week.
I don’t know when it stopped moving backwards and started stabilizing. What I do know is that I don’t go to sleep worrying about how I’ll feel tomorrow. I can’t predict the future, but I can depend on myself to react and behave pretty predictably. I think that’s a major key.
I can’t predict the future, so I try not to. I work towards my future every day, but I try to remember that my present is the best way to determine not only how I’ll feel in a year from now, but also the year I’ll be able to reflect and build upon. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll do, but if I do things today that feel good and right, I don’t have to worry as much about the resolutions for tomorrow.
And when I inevitably have a today that requires resolutions tomorrow, I will only find an answer by living through my mistake.
It’s tempting to try to circumvent every wrong step or obstacle, but it’s impossible. Falling isn’t so bad when fear is diminished, and not every thing that stands in the way should be avoided. Detours are sometimes the path best suited for the moment, and dead ends don’t have to be the end.