With time away from the busy-ness of my everyday and the new year unfolding, I’ve had ample time to reflect and notice this past year, as well as my thoughts around it. I’ve hesitantly welcomed the cycles in my mind, the positive memories and those less than positive, and the moments of my now. Simultaneously, I’ve recently been working on processing out loud all of these streams of consciousness.
Having been actively working on myself for a long time and with the support of so many different people, it’s been difficult to take in the things that still remain hard. I feel pressure to be okay, to walk unaffected through any turmoil, and to be mostly distress-free. Yet, when challenges arise, my mind still backs away. I still struggle and my head still spins.
As a result, along with processing my thoughts, I’ve been spending time on accepting where I am and recognizing the truths of my present without a clause from my expectations. It’s been painful to feel as though I’m regressing, or simply meeting myself where I am, and in unfolding these crumpled pieces of myself, I cringe. I know more than I believe and I can’t understand fully why I hold myself in fantasy.
I’ve begun to discover and admit that I still don’t entirely trust myself. I often keep myself so preoccupied with little things in order to feel secure, to make my world smaller, to avoid that which I cannot see nor change, and to live within the myths around which I’ve developed. I am learning to speak the beliefs I hold that have previously gone unrecognized as distortions. I’m beginning to understand that not everyone lives in fear, that my mind works differently than others. I’m opening myself to the chance to see reality in the ways that touch ground, instead of holding myself in existential beliefs. I’m challenging myself to wonder what feeling true freedom, without holding on to any external measures of security, would look and feel like.
It’s strange to feel as though I’ve come so far, and realize that there’s still so much farther to go. I’m afraid of judgements, of my own and others. I worry the people in my life won’t understand, as I don’t most of the time. I hesitate to open up doors that can’t be closed. It scares me to put energy into healing my brain when, at times, it doesn’t feel like it can be fixed.
Still, I have 2014 to reflect upon and, though there has been suffering, this year has held more joy than any other year I can remember. It has offered a fair number of hurdles to overcome, but each one has brought me closer to incredible people, self-awareness, friendship, experiences, and sensations. I notice where I am, with an understanding that I have come a long way. I am working on compassion and entering 2015, while holding the hope this past year has illuminated.