Since returning to Boston College after Thanksgiving break, I have been having a particularly hard time adjusting back. I’ve tried starting fresh each day. I’ve tried seeing every moment as just a part of recovery. I’ve tried learning from my mistakes. All of that is valid, but the fact of the matter is that it’s a bigger bump in the road than I was willing to admit, at first.
Earlier this month, I had begun to feel the darkness creeping in. Every day for the past few weeks, I have been writing down my gratitudes (on My Shiny Reflections’s Facebook page) in an attempt to remind myself of the glory in the life I have. It’s brought recognition to the light I will lose if I don’t turn around, yet still I have found it difficult to pick myself up. I’ve reached out, but separated my realities, creating a world where things are positive, and one where the negative still grows.
In an attempt to merge the two, I’m hoping to openly embrace the truth of my now here and everywhere. Slips are challenging, especially when the shiny things have become a significant part of my identity. It’s embarrassing, at times, to feel weak. It’s scary to draw attention to the humanity that gives me space to fall down in darkness. It’s hard to wave a flag with all the parts of myself that bring shame. It makes hiding seductive.
Disorder grows in solitude, though. I won’t give it that. I’m struggling, but I hope to shed that layer. I’m searching for inspiration, motivation, and support. I am attempting to move forward.